“Sometimes it’s not the people who change, it’s the mask that falls off”.
A million thoughts run through my head right now as I run through the streets with the sun beating down on my face. The why, the how, what if’s, trying to come to grips about why someone who claims to love me would hurt me. Did i miss the signs, was I a gullible fool, was I too vulnerable, was I too trusting, was he a good liar and on and on the questions rush through me, but the biggest question I ask myself, why did I not trust my gut instincts ?
I know, my time is better spent wondering about why the world is round or how I could better contribute my time and effort to make the world a better place or how I should plan on climbing the Himalayan mountains etc.
All these questions now, is because I want closure, the closure he refuses to give me by answering my questions, the closure I know I have to give myself. What better than to start at the beginning – where it all began.
I remember him sitting across me at the restaurant, staring at me trying to catch my attention, I however chose to keep focussing on my food. Eventually I caved in and we started to talk about running and my plans to run a half marathon. We started to exchange emails and talk and spend time with each other.
As hours turned into days and days into weeks, I fell in love, the kind of love that made my knees weak, the kind of love where you walk around with a smile on your face, the kind that makes your heart skip a beat when he walks into the room, last but not least the kind that makes u dream about wanting to be with him always and you let your walls down, yes that was the kind of love and that was the kind of mistake I made.
Against my better judgement, I went with it, I knew I should not let anyone into my life and not give them an opportunity to hurt me, but I was a fool in love. I wanted to fight it, not because I did not want to be in love, must mostly because I did not want to give anyone the ability to hurt me and hurt me he did.
Not just hurt, but hurt me by lying to me, by betraying me and stabbing me in my back….(those details are for another post).
Today while running I was going back in time, to reflect all that happened and trying to scrutinize every action, every word, what signs I missed, the little nagging feelings I had, but refused to listen to, because I was in love.
I recall that poem about Love is Kind, love is forgiving, love is uncomplicated….at least it goes along those lines, I realized this love was none of those. This love was based on lies, betrayal and being used to be tossed away when he was done to move on to the next object and on and on he goes.
The signs were blatantly in front of me, but I refused to see it, the constant nagging feeling, the little comments that did not make sense, most importantly me always telling him I don’t trust him. I had so far never caught him in an act of cheating, but that intuitive feeling I could not get rid of was there. When we jokingly talked about marriage, I said no, because I knew I was missing something. As much as I loved him, I could not totally commit myself or my heart 100% because I just had a feeling. As he says “I had one foot out the door”.
Yes, I admit it, I had one foot out the door, not just because of nagging feelings, but because of so many issues that was part of our ‘so called relationship’. All I wanted was when it ends to cling on to the memories, to help me make it through our separation, when his job takes him to a far away place, but now it hurts that I have no memories to cherish but just hurt, pain, betrayal and the ability to never trust again.
Now I ponder did he even love me….I no longer know anything, was it all a lie, a charade for whatever reason. My mind is in turmoil, not because I love him, but just trying to understand what was true and what was fiction.
You might laugh or make snide comments about what that feeling was I talk about that I had, I know I can’t explain that feeling, but it was there, telling me to walk away, but the fool I was, would walk away only to return the next day apologetic for my foolish behavior. When my friends advised me to walk away, I still defended his actions.
I do my utmost not to dwell on it, for the most part I succeed, because I realize he is not worth my time, but sometimes a song would come on or a random thought would pop into my head about him, about us and I start to wonder again…. !!!
I tried to mourn the loss of the relationship, but I realized how do I mourn someone who betrayed me in the worse possible way, is he is worth my time ?
Despite everything, I still wonder, did he love me, was he a liar, was he a cheater, I realized he is never going to honestly answer any of those questions. So why am I trying to turn to him for closure, when I can give that to myself. The power for closure is within me not with him and I refuse to give the man who hurt me, betrayed me, stabbed in my heart and back, the satisfaction of having control over my closure.
Life throws you some punches, but you roll with them as much as you can, and then you get up, you dust yourself and carry on.
I might be a tad bit bruised, but I am not down, I might be betrayed, but I have not lost faith in mankind, I might have learnt never to love easily, but I still have room to love another and most importantly I have learnt to always trust my intuitive feeling…if you feel something, anything, trust your gut.
If there was one lesson I can take from this whole misadventure of falling in love is that, never question that feeling in your head, you might not know why it is there, or how, but believe it.
We are often let down by the most trusted persons and loved by the most unexpected ones. Some make us cry for things we haven’t done, while some others ignore all our faults just to see us smile. Some leave us when we need them the most, and some stick to us even when we ask them to leave. World is a mixture of such people. We just need to know which hand to shake and which hand to hold. After all it’s life !!