Do I wanna know

So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart’s still open and
if so I wanna know what time it shuts

Simmer down and pucker up
I’m sorry to interrupt it’s just I’m constantly
on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don’t know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together, if you wanted to

— Arctic Monkeys —

These are part of the lyrics to a song someone sent me. I never really paid close attention to the words when he sent me the link. I assumed it was an artist he wanted me to listen to since we had been talking about music. It took me a few days of conversation and emails to understand that there in lies a cryptic message for me.

A few days later, while riding my bike, the song came on and I played it again an again, paying more attention to the words this time.  The only part that seem to stick to me was  “Been wondering if your heart’s still open”, that line got me thinking, not specifically about why the song was sent to me, but if my heart is open and will it ever be open ?

When someone you once loved, respected and cared for, hurts you in a very brutal way, opening your heart again is hard or almost impossible. I have no doubt we all have at one stage been hurt, loved and lost, but most often if we are lucky time heals the broken heart, making it possible to love again.

However, when betrayal takes place,  you shut down, build a wall around yourself and refuse to let anyone in. My walls are so high that I don’t want anyone to penetrate that thick wall I have built around myself. If life goes as planned, eventually someone might be able to chip away the pieces of the wall and break down my barriers, but for now, its tall and thick wall which no one has access to.

Hearts get broken every day for various reasons and I am sure I have broken a few hearts as well (I blame it on being young and foolish) but when someone stabs you in your heart and then blames you for their behavior, what do you do ? I do not feign all innocence on my part, yes, mistakes were made, but but no mistake big enough for betrayal and back stabbing.

I have learnt in order for me to survive and get back my life,  I run, I ride my bike, I bake and live my life…. as much as I have tall walls, the best revenge I have learnt is living my life to the fullest. They can hurt you, stab you, but not take you down with them. Broken hearts are hard to mend, but living your life, doing what you love is the best remedy to it. Some days are just going to be harder than others, but it is by no means a reason to feel defeated.

“When people hurt you over and over,

Think of them as sandpaper.

They scratch and hurt you, but in the end

You are polished and they are useless”


About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
This entry was posted in Love, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Do I wanna know

  1. Jim says:

    Loved this one Tania. You are still hurting…….?


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