June passed like a whirlwind for me. One minute it was here and then it was gone and I can’t believe we are halfway into July as well. It actually feels like summer, scorching 100 degree temperatures on some days, where shorts and flip-flops dot the streets having taken over from the jackets and boots.
All I can think about it that its only a few weeks to my half marathon, I feel so unready for this 13.1 mile run. I should not be so nervous, I did this once before and I know I can do it again, but I have this tendency to be hard on myself, wanting everything to be perfect and go as planned. My plan is to run and run and run and finish the 13.1 miles and have a better timing than I did last year, that does not seem like an impossible plan, but to me, it’s not just a plan, it’s a challenge that I live and breathe.
I set off on my run, while the warm breeze brushes against my legs and blow softly through my hair – it feels good. It might be hot and humid and muggy, but I tune everything out, just me, my music and the sidewalks I pound. I come back home, feeling energized after the 5 mile run.
Instead of taking a break, I grab my bike and go for a 5 mile ride.
It seems crazy that I would put myself through this, but recently all I have been thinking of is that I want to do a triathlon. I have been doing research, and as ambitious as I am about it, I am thankful that they have triathlon for different skill levels.
Sometimes I have a tendency to push myself too much. I am constantly on the go, moving from one project to the next and never really sitting down to catch my breath. Even if I have day off from work, where I tell myself I am going to do nothing, I will somehow find myself in the kitchen baking and cooking up a storm, testing new recipe ideas for the market.
I constantly ask myself, how I do shut down, how do I get my ever churning brain to stop and take a breath ?
Working 8-9 hours a day 5 days a week is exhausting enough, considering I spend most of it on my feet. However, I come home figure out what I should make for dinner and put on my running shoes and off I go. I come back, have dinner, read, write and do it all over again the next day, with some baking thrown in on some days.
On the weekends, it’s no different, I start my day baking for the farmers market, making small talk with the regular customers and other vendors, watching the clock go by so slowly while the sun is beating down on me. I do enjoy this form of camaraderie, I have made some wonderful friends over the last few years of doing the market and it gives me a sense of purpose knowing that all my hard work is appreciated when I see the same people show up every single weekend.
I tell myself every Saturday, this is going to be the day I do nothing, but despite all good intentions, I find myself being drawn into dinner plans with friends, believing that I have Sunday to do nothing.
Sunday comes along, I wake up early so I can go run, and then I find myself in the kitchen, because Sunday has always been the day that I want to cook something elaborate. I am a creature of habit and that my friends is a habit I have grown with.
Before I could think my Sunday has turned into Monday and the rat race begins again and my brain continues to churn and I continue to go and go.
I have pondered on the fact as to why I over think, analyze, scrutinize and dissect all conversations and tear them apart till it all makes sense in my head. It’s probably because I like things that make sense and when something makes no sense, I want to think about it.
I am trying to change that fact about me, I am trying to understand and accept that everything does not always make sense and it is ok to let go….it is all a work in progress. As much as I want to over think this blog post, I am going to hit the publish button and tell myself, it is ok.
“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end”