Look what love has done to me
I am not who I used to be
Everything is changing, now we’ll never be the same
Look at what love has done to us
Will we ever learn to trust
We’re running out of time, there’s so little time
Baby look what love has done to me

Patty Smyth – Look what has Done

It’s past midnight and I lay in my bed listening to the quiet silence around me. The fan makes a whirring sound and if I strain my ears I hear the sound of a siren in the distance. I always wonder who they are going to rescue.

As tired as I am, one would think that sleep comes easy. On most days it does and on other days I could lay for hours with no sleep. I could count sheep or cows or horses backward or forward yet sleep seems to elude me. Maybe writing and letting out my thoughts may help.

I’ve built this wall around myself and, It is no ordinary wall, it’s made of brick and mortar and so strong, that no one can break it down.

There are few people who try,  sometimes I see my wall cracking, but I catch it fast enough to patch the crack. I push people away, I don’t want anyone to see the real me or how vulnerable I could be when my feeling and emotions are in line……

This is what being in love did to me. While loving the right person brings you happiness and joy and so much more, loving the wrong person brings hurt and pain and bitterness and sometimes betrayal making it almost impossible to ever go back to who you were.

When I love, I gave my all, my heart, my soul and made myself vulnerable to love. That was me, maybe I was naive, gullible and innocent… But to me that was love. I was not ashamed of that part of me…. I fought to keep that love alive, yet I lost that battle.

While losing that battle, I lost so much more, my innocent notion about love and now I refuse to let the right person into my life. They stand their in front of me wanting me to love them, but I can’t do it. I turn down love because of fear.

I fear love, I fear giving my heart away…. I fear my emotions.

How do I get over this fear ? I know I’m not alone in this, yet I feel alone. I want to love again, I want to let my heart soar when I see his face, but instead I tell him no. I feel I have lost myself and how to love someone.

You… Yes you, if you are reading this, you know you did this to me. You took my love, my innocent idea of love and tarnished it and now I’m left here not knowing how to love again.

I need to learn how to love again. Maybe in time my knight in shining armor will have the right tools to break down my wall, till then, I’m gonna keep my wall and learn how not to fear love.

“WORDS and HEARTS should be handled with care. For words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.”