It is another sleepless night and this time I can blame it on coffee. I don’t know (Ok I do know) what it is about coffee that not only keeps me awake but makes me more vulnerable and naïve, wanting to write about things I want to avoid. It has this effect of making me dig deep into my soul and not wanting to hold back my thoughts.

I try to fight that urge to not write more sad posts.  I am sure  no one wants to keep reading about my sadness, my running, my heartbreak or betrayal. But since it is way past my bedtime and it seems sleep is not going to come easy, I am going to let my thoughts overtake my rationality and let the coffee do its work and let my fingers fly all over this keyboard.

Today was like any other day, I work my usual 9 hours, but because it was a cold and gloomy day, I head to the mall to buy Christmas cards and indulge in my usual habit of sitting at the book store browsing cookbooks and gossip magazines. Somehow, against my better judgement, I decide to indulge in a cup of coffee while I browse books. Of course I know the outcome of my drinking coffee at 5 pm, but for a minute I threw caution in the wind and decided maybe, just maybe today will be one of those days that coffee does not have the usual effect on me.

Maybe today will the day that coffee would help me sleep…but what was I thinking, if I was even thinking.

As I type this, I try to curb my thoughts about my ex and I ask myself, why is there no delete button for this. All it takes is a delete button to erase texts, pictures, emails. I have de-cluttered my apartment of anything and everything that is remotely going to remind me of him, why can’t I use this same delete button to erase thoughts of him from my head and my heart. I want a delete button that can do that and I want it now.

I have had my fair share of heartbreak over the years, been married and divorced, had long-term relationships that ended badly or sadly. Yet I mourned them for a decent amount of time and moved on. But here I am months later from my last romance , still trying to understand what happened this time…what part did I play in this unravelling and mostly I ask myself, is it just me ? Am I just  doomed for being a failure in relationships ? Should I give up on love, is love and finding that one person an illusion in my head. What am I doing wrong ?

Of course if my friends were to read this, they would reassure me, that it is not me, it is him, after all he did hurt me badly, he did betray me. While I admit he did all that and more, I think I need to take responsibility to a certain degree too.

I remember reading somewhere, that true forgiveness comes when you realize the part you played in letting someone hurt you. Ok well at least it said something along those lines or I just made it up, but either way, that sounds like a great plan to me.

So now that I have come to terms or understood or accepted my part, I ask again, can I please have that delete button to erase him from my heart and can I have it now ?

image from google