It was a beautiful 60 degree winter day over the weekend. When the sun is shining at its brightest, all I want to do is bask in it and for me that generally involves putting on my running shoes. It looked like another day for 10 miles.
Most often I like to have something to think about while running, to keep my mind preoccupied and not think of distance or duration, but just to keep going. A few days ago I had come across this quote and for me that was what I wanted to think about.
“Think of how different your life would be if you never met the one person who changed everything”.
My life changed a lot in the last year, changed might not be the word, my perspective on life changed might be the more appropriate thing to say. My eyes were opened to a lot of things and mostly about how naïve and trusting I was.
Naivety and trust is not necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes that results in us just being blind to those around us and believing and accepting what we see without looking deeper into things or questioning anything. I was that person and revealed in being that person.
I have learnt that some people come into our lives and affect our lives in a poignant way. They leave a lasting impression on us, sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative manner…however, at the end it all depends on how we tend to use the lesson for our betterment.
My ex for example, did that to me. In the short time we were together, he swept me off my feet, put a smile on my face, a skip in my step and gave me something I felt I had lost and I loved him with reckless abandonment. But fast forward 9 months later, he took away all that and instead replaced it with suspicion and my inability to trust people.
I admit not everyone deserves my mistrust. I used to be the person who trusted easily, call it naïve, vulnerable, even gullible maybe. I wanted to be there to help my friends, do what I can, I took everything at face value and believed what everyone told me. If someone was my friend, I felt I had no reason to mistrust them. I liked being that person. My theory was that people who cared and loved you, don’t use and take advantage of you and I continued in this little bubble of mine, not knowing that soon that bubble will burst and that reality which is far from different will set in.
However thanks to this painful lesson, I have learnt to be comfortable alone. I took the time to get to know me, to get back to things that I was passionate about, whether it was starting this blog, reading, baking/cooking or even running more. It became all about learning my strengths and weakness. My friends tried to convince me to try on-line dating, set me up on blind dates, various things, but I wanted that time for me alone. Now I realize that was the best thing I did for myself. Yes there were moments I wish I had someone to go out with, to do different things with, but fortunately I have a very supportive group of friends who were there for me. If decided to go run a half marathon, they would come cheer me on, if I wanted to go jump off a perfectly good plane, they would go with me. They understood that this was my time.
Now that painful experience is to a great extent behind me. Yes I do think of my ex from time to time, but no longer with the disdain or loathing I had for him. I actually appreciate the lessons I have learnt because of him. I thank him for putting me on this journey of finding myself and teaching me that I need to love someone not to end my loneliness but because I love them.
“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness”