Searching for my free spirit

“Sometimes you need to burn bridges to stop yourself from crossing them again”

It has been a year since I started this blog. It is hard to imagine that 52 weeks, 12 months, 365 days have passed since then and that I did publish 100 posts on here.

When I started writing this blog 100 posts ago, I was heartbroken, I felt like my world was falling apart and I was shattered and believed that I would never recover from this. There was no way I was going to recover from the betrayal I was dealt. The knife in my back and heart was never going to come out.  I started writing this blog to prove to my ex that I loved him and hoping that he would read it and know how I felt about him. A year later, I continue writing, yes there have been posts about him, but it is  no longer a venue to prove my love, not that it matters anymore, but it is more for me and my love of writing.

Writing on here has been therapeutic to me. Sharing my thoughts, ideas, dreams,  on here has helped me same as running and baking/cooking has.   This was meant to be a private and personal place for me to vent, rant and ramble on.  However, the words of encouragement and support from those who read it was helpful to my sanity when all I was feeling mostly was moments of insanity.  Besides that, it helped me grow and change my outlook on things too.

But here I am 100 posts later,  looking back at that moment, no longer with disdain or bitterness, but more with a sense of maturity and realism of people. I accept and understand that not everyone has the same moral compass or the same need to maintain friendships or relationships as I do. I may not live up to everyone’s expectations and neither do I expect everyone to live up to mine, but having said that, shouldn’t there be common ground rules when it comes to relationships and friendships  ? I suppose it makes it hard because some of us are more selfish or self-centered than others and that is what makes the world go round and round.

While I am over the heartbreak, I am still cautious about friends old and new. My friends call me a free spirit, yes I admit I feel that I am a free spirit or at least act like I am, but my spirit is yet a little guarded and not totally free. I am trying to break free from the chains that bind me and it continues to be a work in progress.

This last year has been one heck of a journey for me, I have had to dig deep into my soul to find who I am. I have had the help of friends old and new, I have had to let go of some of those old friends during this journey, because I realized that as much as I say I expect nothing in return from people, there is a hidden part of me that expects and wants the same level of friendship that I give.

I want my friends to trust me and I want to know I can trust them. I want to surround myself with people who mean what they say and not those who are full of empty words and cannot live up to it. Maybe I am unrealistic with my expectations, but I set expectations that I know I will live up to. I say things that I know I can follow through, is it too much to expect the same in return ?

If after a few opportunities, I find someone not living up to their word, it is time to cut the umbilical cord and move on. There is only so many chances you can give someone, because at the end no matter how many chances you give someone, some people just continue to find ways to disappoint you and let you down.

I no longer want to cultivate such relationships, I want to surround myself with people who have the capacity to give something into a friendship. I don’t have the power to control choices anyone makes to hurt one another, but I have the power to choose who I let into my life.

One year later, 100 posts later, 365 days later, heartbreak and betrayal has passed me by, but what I take from it is that I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations.  Some bridges just have to be burned, it is not easy, but yet necessary in order to keep what little sanity I have left.

About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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