Days will turn into weeks where I don’t think about him, but then there comes certain days when he is on my mind, sometimes its just something simple like I saw someone who looked like him and or some random memory will cross my mind, it is always the most mundane and insignificant thing that will trigger thoughts of him.
Today I blame it on the fact that it is almost a year since I felt my world fall apart. I come home and get my computer and read the first post I ever wrote on here. I have this uncanny urge to write to him, what do I want to tell him ? There is no coherent sentence I can put together that will justify writing to him, what do I say ? How I still hurt one year later, how I have locked myself in this tower and refuse to let anyone into it, how I push people away, how I am still struggling to trust, how badly he hurt and my bruised my heart, which is yet to heal completely or I could tell him I forgive him, because I have.
Instead I continue reading post after post where I am transported back in time and reminded of how I felt. That feeling in my heart where I feel my world is collapsing around me and I have no control over it.
I want to stop reading, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, I want the tears to stop flowing. I admit I was consumed with hate for weeks last year, I told him I would never forgive him for the betrayal, yet I blamed myself endlessly. But in time I found myself forgiving him and forgiving myself and that was the beginning of the healing process.
The tears need to stop flowing, so I go put my running shoes on and step outside to clear my mind. I force myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep going and going. Between the coffee I had and the energy gels, my heart is racing and I struggle to blank my mind, which keeps drifting back and forth.
As if on cue, this song comes on while I run….. it says it better than I ever could. “I’m a survivor, I am not going to give up, I am a survivor, I am not going to stop, I am a survivor….”
I am reminded what a friend told me today “Why succumb to idiots ? You are smart, funny, attractive and motivated”. He could have not said it better or on a better day.
There will be days I will think of him, there will be days I will want to write to him, but I also know there will come a time, when this will be nothing but a distant memory and till then I will keep going, because I am a survivor.
Here is that first post – For you J.H
You decided to let me go and give up without a fight. You said you could not go any further and that another step could lead to more hurt. pain and maybe even hate. My world crumbled around me. I have begged and pleaded my case, however you chose to constantly dismiss me. You said parting was the best and you decided that moving on with someone else was the way to go. Those words you speak stab right into my heart, breaking it even more than it can take.
As much as I try, I can’t stop loving you, I never want to stop loving you, I don’t know how to stop loving you, even though you want me to stop loving you because you no longer love me.
You cut the rope off, didn’t you see me hanging in there ? I had my trembling fingers gripping on to that tiny feeble rope that used to be so strong. But you grabbed a knife and brutally severed the tope. No matter how much I wanted to hold on or how hard I tried to anchor myself on you, you made it impossible for me to do it.
I am not yet ready to say goodbye, yet it seems you have already left. I have tried taking the same path as you but my heart would not let me and the wonderful memories we shared makes me want to fight. I try to remember the bad memories, so I could teach myself how to un-love you, how to be nonchalant and how to be completely numb. I am trying to pick up the pieces of our memories and storing them in a place where it cannot hurt either one of us.
I know I hurt you and in return I hurt myself, oh how I wish I could be cold and distant like you.
Trying to run, trying to write, trying to find ways to distract myself of thinking of you with another is the most painful thing I have attempted to do. It is not easy, my mind wonders to where you are, what you are doing and with who you are constantly and I wonder how you could be so distant and cold to me.
I hurt so much that I never want to love again. I have put my heart out so many times only to have it broken. I do not want to cry or beg anymore. I am tired of being weak and vulnerable and being pushed away by the people I love. I am exhausted trying to love you, my heart wants to rest and never love again.