I confess I am a masochist

Another medal has been added to my collection, but I wish I could say that there was no pain involved in that. Whoever said, ‘no pain, no gain’, was definitely not lying about it.  All I gained was a medal, oh let’s not forget the t-shirt too, but seeing that finish line makes it all so worth it.

My cute medal

My cute medal

It was a beautiful day for a 13.1 mile run at the dismal swamp. I take off as usual with the hundreds of other runners and keep going and hoping against hope that the pain I have had the last few times does not come back during this race. I am willing it not to come back, because I don’t want it to slow me down or end up in pain by the end of the race. I am not really concerned about the pain at the end, I am more worried about dropping down half way or almost at the end, which I have seen too often.

At mile 4, I feel a little nagging pain in my ankle, but I refuse to think about it, well  it was tough choice between the pain in my right ankle and the numbness I was starting to feel on the left foot. I was getting so frustrated that just when I think I am doing  a great pace that parts of my body are starting to give up on me.

I refuse to let a little pain stop me from getting to the end. I tell myself that I am made of much stronger stuff and not going to give up. I hate giving up, sometimes maybe that is my downfall. I don’t give up when it comes to relationships and friendships too. I continue to fight for it, to keep it going. Well that is another story for another time I suppose.

In order to not think of the physical pain, I try to think about various things, places I want to see, things I want to do and things I should have done and on and on it goes.

Someone asked me recently, why I run.  I know I told him it’s because I enjoy it and that was no lie, I do enjoy it. Obviously I am not the only one who enjoys it, there are so many others right there running along with me at these races.

I often hear people talk about wanting to run for the beer. I want to scream at them “isn’t it cheaper to just go buy some beer” ! I don’t run for the beer, I don’t run for the medal or the t-shirt, I run because I just have this urge to run. Maybe subconsciously I feel like I am running away from everything that is haunting me.

That question came to my mind while I was thinking of my past while running. Maybe it is psychological that I continue running, pretending that I am running away from my past and hoping that it will never catch up with me. But it seems despite all the miles I have run and will run, there is no running away from my past or out-running it.

Somehow thinking of emotional pain for 2 hours non stop, to some might sound like punishment. But all the crazy things that run through my mind (no pun intended) makes it easier not to think about the pain in my ankle or other parts of me.

Be it a physical pain or mental pain, it probably is safe to say that I am a masochist, after all I keep signing up for race after race to run 13.1 miles.

Suffice to say not only did I get the medal and t-shirt, but I was apparently  the 15th person out of 450 to cross that finish line in my age group. Go me !


About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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