It has been more than a week since I totaled my car and walked away from it unhurt and been riding my bike around. It has been more than a week since I’ve started to see images of an airbag crashing into my face every night when I go to bed, which most often means I lay awake heart racing, palms sweating, because in my dream I never seem to walk away unhurt.
This last week has felt more like months to me. I have had to said goodbye to my car which I found very emotional. I admit it was just a car and a method of getting around, but the emotional attachment was mostly because it was my first car, the first one I picked and I bought on my own. It did not belong to an ex husband or was it paid for by an ex but it was mine. I remember feeling very grown up the day I signed for it and drove that car out of the dealership.
I have had to rely on my friends to drive me around this last week. However, every single time I get into a car and even though I am the passenger I continue to have flashes of that day. When my friend stepped on the brakes in front of another car on my way back after having cleared out my car, my heart skipped a beat and my mouth agape, I clung to the handle of the car waiting for an airbag to hit me. No doubt I need to conquer and overcome that fear, so I can go get my next car, but for now riding my bike around seems to be the better choice or so I think.
As much as I would love to live in my little bubble and continue to ride my bike places, the reality is far different. I need a car if I am to continue to sell baked stuff at the farmers market, go see friends and have a somewhat normal life. A friend who realized my fear, gave me his car and insisted that I drive it around over the weekend.
I sit inside the car, my hands trembling for a minute before I turn the key on. Eventually I turn the key on and step on the gas. I drive around for a while trying to get comfortable and I know it is just a matter of time before I overcome this fear too. When I relayed the story of my friend giving me his car, someone said to me “he must be a good friend if he let you drive his car a week after you crashed yours”. What can I say to that besides, I do have some wonderful friends.
Despite driving a car and feeling that I have somewhat overcome my fear of being in the traffic, I chose to continue to ride my bike and enjoy the support system of my wonderful friends I have and let time be the healer of driving again.