The countdown to my trip to visit my family has begun. Next week I will be on a plane feeling trapped for hours. I am excited, yet feelings of trepidation cross my mind. I am typically excited about catching up with my friends, spending time with my niece and nephews, and cousins. But this time, I am preoccupied with thoughts of seeing my parents and how shocked or surprised I will be at the fact that they have gotten older and weaker.
Fortunately for me, this coming week will be extremely busy, giving me little time for lingering thoughts of my trip. I am busy baking for people who have requested me to bake some pastries. I have a half marathon I will be running with a friend during the labor day weekend, packing my bags for my trip, working and baking for the farmers market and of course my least favorite thing of shopping for a few gifts. I feel somewhat stressed that I have taken on all these things in the last few days, but at the same time relieved because it lets me focus my energy on something besides my upcoming trip.
If I were to have time on my hands, I would be over-thinking every part of my visit, yes I am one of those over thinkers who over analyze everything. I run different scenarios in my head and worry about what will be and sometimes what will not be. Typically my visit consists of meeting friends for lunch, dinner, lunch, dinner. By the time I leave, I can no longer fit into my clothes. I make feeble attempt of running while I am there, but my social life takes precedence over all the running. However, this time I have told my friends that this trip is strictly to spend with my parents and there will be no lunch and dinner.
Having said that, I might have to add at least one lunch and dinner with a few close friends to get my mind out of more stressful things.
Living far away is not easy, I constantly worry about what will happen. There are moments I find that thought amusing, because when I was younger and lived with my parents, all I could think of was flying out of the nest and having my own life and doing my thing. Now I have it and worry about not seeing them and spending time with them and being there for them. Whoever said hindsight is 20/20 definitely got it right.
I understand and accept that certain things or most things in life are beyond my control, which is also frustrating.
Rob from http://robertmgoldstein.com said to me in the comments on one of my posts. “I think that coming to terms with the mortality of our parents is also a coming to terms with our own mortality and the sense that we somehow have control over forces that we barely understand. It is a profound and sometimes painful transition in the way we experience ourselves and the world.”
Till I get on that plane, I will worry about baking for the farmers market, work, running and a long plane ride. The rest will be what will be and me stressing is not going to change anything. So for now, I am going to stop worrying about things beyond my control and take things as they come and face each day head on.