Coming to terms with mortality is no easy task

The countdown to my trip to visit my family has begun. Next week I will be on a plane feeling trapped for hours. I am excited, yet feelings of trepidation cross my mind. I am typically excited about catching up with my friends, spending time with my niece and nephews, and cousins. But this time, I am preoccupied with thoughts of seeing my parents and how shocked or surprised I will be at the fact that they have gotten older and weaker.

Fortunately for me, this coming week will be extremely busy, giving me little time for lingering thoughts of my trip. I am busy baking for people who have requested me to bake some pastries. I have a half marathon I will be running with a friend during the labor day weekend, packing my bags for my trip, working and baking for the farmers market and of course my least favorite thing of shopping for a few gifts. I feel somewhat stressed that I have taken on all these things in the last few days, but at the same time relieved because it lets me focus my energy on something besides my upcoming trip.

If I were to have time on my hands, I would be over-thinking every part of my visit, yes I am one of those over thinkers who over analyze everything. I run different scenarios in my head and worry about what will be and sometimes what will not be. Typically my visit consists of meeting friends for lunch, dinner, lunch, dinner. By the time I leave, I can no longer fit into my clothes. I make feeble attempt of running while I am there, but my social life takes precedence over all the running. However, this time I have told my friends that this trip is strictly to spend with my parents and there will be no lunch and dinner.

Having said that, I might have to add at least one lunch and dinner with a few close friends to get my mind out of more stressful things.

Living far away is not easy, I constantly worry about what will happen.  There are moments I find that thought amusing, because when I was younger and lived with my parents, all I could think of was flying out of the nest and having my own life and doing my thing.  Now I have it and worry about not seeing them and spending time with them and being there for them. Whoever said hindsight is 20/20 definitely got it right.

I understand and accept that certain things or most things in life are beyond my control, which is also frustrating.

Rob from said to me in the comments on one of my posts. “I think that coming to terms with the mortality of our parents is also a coming to terms with our own mortality and the sense that we somehow have control over forces that we barely understand. It is a profound and sometimes painful transition in the way we experience ourselves and the world.”

Till I get on that plane, I will worry about baking for the farmers market, work, running and a long plane ride. The rest will be what will be and me stressing is not going to change anything.  So for now, I am going to stop worrying about things beyond my control and take things as they come and face each day head on.

About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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4 Responses to Coming to terms with mortality is no easy task

  1. brettfish says:

    Thanks for sharing this. My wife and i came back from three years in the US a year ago and our trip there resonated with a lot of what you said as her mom was quite sick and my parents are getting old and so there is that constant wondering and you have done well to busy yourself with other things i think cos it does help you take your mind of those things. You can’t dwell on the What Ifs cos they will eat your life away.

    All the best for this coming trip and trust there will be good connection
    love brett fish

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Brett. While I find ways to keep myself busy right now, sitting in a plane and airports for more than 24 hours is when my imagination starts to run wild. I am downloading movies and hope they keep my mind occupied. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wonderful post.
    I’m tentatively moving towards similar thoughts… If I type my parents’ numbers into a calculator, the answer comes back and I have to agree that they are becoming old. But a large part of me still believes that they *should* be exactly how they were years ago when I last lived with them.
    Of course, time has passed and they’ve changed — as people do. But it is an experience to find unease in accepting it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is indeed hard to accept it, it is harder when you live thousands of miles away. You notice every single grey hair and line on their face and like you I want to believe that they are who they were years ago. But time has passed and inevitable things do happen. It is challenging to accept it. Hopefully we find the courage to deal with it and maybe acceptance will follow. Thank you so much for reading and the follow.

      Liked by 1 person

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