Two weeks of vacation with family and friends can go by way too fast than you would like it to. My time with my family came to a screeching halt sooner than I expected. As much as I missed my boy friend back in the US, I did not want to leave the comfort of the place I still consider and call home.
Sleeping in my bedroom, the same one I slept in as a child, in the same house as my parents made me nostalgic and wished that I could go back in time. To a time where my parents were healthy and going around their usual mundane lives, to a time where everything seemed so much more simple and mostly to a time where I did not feel the clock ticking away and that my time with them was not only precious but limited.
Maybe I make it sound worse than it really is, but just seeing them dependent on others for almost everything made me teary eyed. I have said this before, I am good at keeping my emotions under wrap, never letting on about how I feel, not wearing my heart on my sleeve. This time it was hard to keep from breaking down just watching them or listening to my mum tell me how sad she feels that she cannot head to the kitchen and cook all the things she knows I would enjoy. I would give anything to have her make me her famous beef stew that I love so much. Just writing this post makes me weepy for all the things I will never have with them.
It is hard watching the fiery independent people my parents were, being reduced to sitting around reading, watching TV and not doing all the things they want to and enjoy. It made me realize how much I take for granted in my life.
Most often my visits back home are full of lunches and dinners with friends, however, this time I kept my social obligations to the minimal because I wanted to grab every minute I had with my family. I typically shy away from the kitchen when I am there, I do enough of cooking and baking everyday that I don’t want my vacation to involve more baking or cooking. However this time I did do it differently.
My dad always talks about the pies I make and I remember every visit I make promises for pies, which eventually never get made. This time I decided that I have to do it, do something to make them happy. So I indulged in a bit of baking by making him some Pork Pot Pies…which is his favorite.
Typically 2 weeks into my trip I start counting the days to head back to the US, most often because there is a boy friend waiting for me, but this time (well despite the boy friend back here) I had this feeling of never wanting to leave. I wanted to go back and live there, the hot humid weather and crazy traffic was not going to be a deterrent. I just want to cling and savor every moment I have with them and not think of anything else.
Maybe I am getting older and wiser or just maybe the importance of family has finally dawned on me. I miss all the little things like spending time with my cousins talking about life, watching my nephews and niece grow into such wonderful adults. While my life here does have its advantages, I feel like I am missing out on all the important things.
I know there is no time machine to step into and turn things around, but for now all I can do is wish for one and on the rare occasion even wish that I had never gotten on the plane to come here to US to follow my heart.
Since my return I have done nothing but debate with myself about packing my bags and moving back. It is unfortunately not an easy decision to make, do I give up the life I have worked hard for, the life I know and take a new challenge for the unknown.
Life is definitely not only uncertain but unknown and at this time just like the time machine, I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and the right answer would come to me. Till I step into a time machine or find that magic wand, I will continue going back to see them as often as I can and enjoy every moment I have and try not to have regrets about the things I did not do. Life after all is too short for regrets.