This morning I had a plan, work, long run and maybe some writing. But instead I am stuck in my car watching the rain beat against my windshield, washing away my plans one raindrop at a time. I had this dire need to run today. I wanted to run so I could stop thinking about my trip and all the pros and cons about moving back.

I stare aimlessly at the row of lights ahead of me, letting my mind drift to what sits heavy in my heart now. Should I move back and be a support system to my sister who is responsible for taking care of my parents or should I continue to live my life and do the best I can from a distance. If I chose the latter, does it make me a selfish sibling and child ?Most often I wish that answers to my questions were written on stone and not on sand.

I do have a tendency to play devils advocate on my own, just when my mind was going back and forth, I hear the song “I Want to know what love is”.   It has been years since I have heard this song and to get my mind onto something different, I chose to listen more carefully to the song and I think yes I would like to know what love is too.

Of course we all know the poem, love is kind, love is patient, love never fails and well you know the rest of that… but is that really love ?

Maybe I am so jaded by love that sometimes I forget what love is. There have been times that I have thought that I was in love and that I was loved but that love somehow turned out to be jealous, insecure and hurtful. So if love is all the things that the poem claims, how come every time I love, I find that it ends up with me being hurt ? No where in the poem does it say love hurts. But then again maybe the band Nazareth got it right when they crooned,  “Love Hurts, love scars, love wounds, love marks…………Love is like a cloud holds a lot of rain”.

There is no particular reason for me to be so melodramatic about love right now, I blame it on the endless rain. Rain makes me pensive and sitting in traffic staring at the windshield wipers go swish back and forth makes me even more thoughtful.

So while I sit here let me go back to what Foreigner says “I want to know what love is?” or should I just agree with Nazareth that “Love Hurts”.

Maybe my last breakup was so bad that I tend to lean towards what Nazareth says and agree with the lyrics “I really learned a lot , really learned a lot, love is like a flame, it burns you when it’s hot”.  

Just maybe I could think of “Love is like Oxygen, you get too much and you get too high, not enough and you’re gonna die, love gets you high, love is like oxygen”

Despite whether love hurts or whether love is loyal, faithful, I learnt that I love to write and that may not be the love Foreigner is talking about, but that is still love and the love I have for writing is definitely most often my Oxygen.

Why is it so hard  to articulate love,
yet so easy to express disappointment ?