It is way past my bedtime on a Sunday night. The typical TV shows that lull me to sleep have not done its job and neither has counting sheep backwards and forwards helped me find sleep. Should I blame this on the coffee that I had 7 hours ago or maybe it is every random thought that is going through my mind that is keeping me awake.
Coffee has a way of making my mind work overtime and constantly flooding my mind with many thoughts that I would not want to consider way past midnight. It also has a way of making me vulnerable when I write…. yes I blame all this on the coffee.
It maybe that I did not run 20 miles today or even 2 miles is what really is bothering me. It is just one month, 4 weeks or 31 days to my full marathon. I was saying it every way I could think to try to make myself feel better…. but typing on here 4 weeks just scared me even more than I was before. I feel so unready to run 26.2 miles, walking or crawling might work.
I am suddenly having feelings of trepidation. What have I got myself into ; can I do this ? Am I being overly ambitious ? Can I finish it ? Am I being realistic ? These are all the questions swimming through me.
When I made the decision as a New Year Resolution, I was confident that I could do this, I felt I could conquer everything. I kept telling myself I have run more than a dozen half marathons, so a full should not be a problem. But with the race so close, I am beginning to doubt myself.
My training has not gone as planned, so many little things got in the way. I tripped on the sidewalk and injured myself, which meant no running for a while, going on vacation did not help either and neither did rainy days.
I woke up this morning with every intention of going for a 20 mile run. However, when I stepped outside it was a cold dreary day. Well maybe not cold, but not running weather for me. Instead of putting on my running shoes, I crawled back into bed and promised myself that I would go run later when the sun comes out.
Hours later the sun was out, but I was unable to find the motivation to go for a run.
There are times when my mind and body refuse to corporate and let me run. I start thinking of sad things and play sappy songs and that motivates me to keep going. As crazy and insane as that sounds it is what keeps me going. During times like that, my mind seems to switch off and the music takes over my legs and the sad songs carry me for miles and miles. However today, despite trying to will myself to think of sad thoughts and play sappy songs I could not put on those running shoes. I even gulped down a cup of coffee, which typically turns me into energizer bunny or chatty Cathy, depends on who you ask 🙂
So tonight as I lay in bed tossing and turning, all I can think of is 26.2 miles, mocking me and telling me I cannot do it. I have invested a lot of time and energy into it and now should I let fear and a bad non-running day get the best of me ?
What if I tell myself I can do it, I can do it, I CAN DO IT. All that talk about positive thinking must mean something right ? Is it really mind over matter, is there something to it ?
So tonight instead of counting sheep, I am going to keep repeating “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it’, while sappy songs plays in the background and just maybe tomorrow I would have found my running mojo and I will be able to go put some miles on those shoes.