Ever so often I stare at the blank page with a blinking cursor wondering what I should write. So many thoughts race through my head and then I start typing and then I stop.
Sometimes I feel like words hold me prisoner. I want the words to escape and free my mind while I type them, but there seems to be chains that hold them back no matter how hard I try.
Today is one of those days, my mind is darting from one emotional thought to another and if I were to type them maybe they will set me free, but I don’t know how much of my emotional being I want to share right now ?
Most often recently it is about my parents and my fear about them getting older and the inevitable happening and how I will deal with it.
I have said this before, living across the world from them is not easy. There are many times I have been tempted to want to give it all up, move back there and spend time with them. Then reality hits me, well I could do that and then when they are no longer there, what would do I with my life. Will I be able to pick up where I left off and would be it possible ?
At this moment, it is the most scary part of my life. I dread hearing my phone at night, because somehow calls at night seems to always bring bad news. I constantly play different scenarios in my head and none of them ending in a positive way.
I want to get my mind off them for now and deal with things as it happens. No matter how much I plan and think, life rarely ever plays out the way you want it to. There are days that I am in a funk so deep that it seems like nothing and no one can get me out of it, my mind is in turmoil and staring at the blank screen never is the answer.
My typical distractions would be running or baking. Running is not possible, considering it is cold and dark outside.
So Instead of sitting trying to write I chose to head to the kitchen. That is one place that I find comfort in and can distract and throw myself into baking and even if it is for a few minutes I could forget about anything and everything. That escape is sometimes temporary but right now that is what I seek.
As I always do, I turn the music on and start rummaging through my fridge and baking boxes to see what I could make. I always have a stash of various types of nuts and butter, fruits, heavy cream, eggs, whatever I need for baking. I finally decide on a Raspberry jelly roll.
I start whisking, sifting, taking a sip off my wine, singing to the music playing and for a minute I have nothing but baking on my mind. Baking is always the easy part, giving it away is the hard part. Not hard because I don’t want to part with it, but because my friends claim that I am trying to fatten them up while I go run for miles and don’t gain the weight. What they don’t know is, I rarely ever eat anything I bake, because it is the baking what I enjoy, eating it, not so much, mostly because I don’t have a sweet tooth and prefer something savory.
Now that I whisked, sifted and stirred and baked and I see a cake in front of me, I feel better and I can sit in front of the blinking screen and let my thoughts flow and maybe it would set some words free.