In search of my sanctuary

I stand watching the little children play , some clinging on to their parents while standing in knee deep water while the waves lap against the shore.



The laughter of the kids reminds me of being a kid and coming to the beach every Sunday with my dad and sister for a swim. I remember being a terrified kid and refusing to get into the water because I had this insane fear of drowning. Years later, not much has changed, I still face the same fears.

I always make a few trips to the beach when I am visiting my parents, which is what I’m doing right now. There is something about strolling on the beach with my feet digging into the warm sand, the salty wind tousling my hair and drying up the beads of sweat from the warm humid weather.

Just standing watching the waves does something to my mind. Its nostalgic and takes me down memory lane as to how many years later I still have the same fears. Even though I can swim, the ocean scares me or at least the thought of swimming in the ocean scares me. I always have this idea that I must have had a terrifying experience when I was kid which is buried deep inside and hence my fear of swimming in the sea.

Despite the fact that I don’t venture out to swim, I sit and stare at the water for hours and wish  my thoughts and troubles could wash away with each wave.


The beach is my sanctuary when I am visiting my parents. I use this time to think about my parents and how sad and upset I am to see them withering away with age. I never want to show them my fear or losing them. I constantly put on this brave front not wanting them to be upset by my fear.  I come to the beach in search of the solitude and most often during my wondering thoughts I find tears streaming down my face.

Putting on a brave face is tough, trying not to break down in front of them even harder. Even when they test my patience and I want to snap, trying to keep calm is a challenge.  My sister said this best to me. She said I could get angry and mad and hurt their feelings and get on a plane. However, if something were to happen to them, I have to live with the thought of what I did. Therefore she always suggests, to keep calm and don’t get mad, because I don’t have the opportunity of making it upto them the following week considering I live on the other side of the world.

There is plenty of times my father tests my patience, making me want to run away and catch the next flight, but if there is one thing I have learnt is that I need to stop constantly worrying about my feelings and take their feelings into account.




About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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10 Responses to In search of my sanctuary

  1. Ann Coleman says:

    I admire your commitment to keeping a good relationship with your parents, and I think your sister is right in that you will always be glad you did. It’s good that you have the beach to give you a sanctuary when you need it. I also find beaches so soothing and calming. Take care….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Monica Marie says:

    I went to the beach yesterday & i agree with you 100% the beach is therapeutic.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. anniebaruah says:

    I love water…. !! a pool, lake, river etc, etc, etc . Anything related to water is my sanctuary 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love the beach!!!! I live in a beach community and there is nothing like it!

    Liked by 1 person

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