A wish from wordpress on 2 years of blogging forced me to go back in time and read some of my old posts. I can’t believe that it has already been 2 years and I am for the most part trying to continue writing on here.
I started this blog on a whim to show an ex boy friend how much he meant to me. Did it work? Obviously not, considering he is still an ex!
While sitting here to write this post, my mind gets flooded with an overwhelming surge of emotions. I dislike the feeling of having no control over my spiraling thoughts.
Right now I am unsure if the emotions are just me going back in time or the fact that the last few weeks have been stressful. There are moments that I feel like I am drowning and unable to come up for breath. This is probably because I am an over-thinker.
Trying to decide where to go and what to do overwhelms me. I want to stop thinking of it for a brief moment. Life seems to be forcing me to make a change and I keep trying to fight it all the time. I have 2 months before I make that final decision. So right now instead of worrying about what will be, let me go back in time to what was.
There he was this stranger sitting across from me at a Restaurant. I felt his eyes on me and whenever our eyes met, I felt my face flush and then on, I made every effort to avoid eye contact. I kept on eating, because I hated to find myself so drawn to someone I did not know.
However, my friend kept chatting with him and forcing me into the conversation. We eventually made small talk, which included me talking about running a half marathon and he agreeing to run it with me. We exchanged emails, texts and met for coffee and talked for hours on end. I was trying hard to fight the emotions I was feeling, I did not want to fall in love and get my heart-broken, but staying away seemed much harder.
It was a constant battle of trying to decide if I should save myself the heartbreak and walk away. There were times I did walk away because I was so scared of the pain I would feel when he went away. But the void I felt the minute I walked away was more painful. Even thought my gut feeling kept telling me to stay away, I was like an addict who could not stay away.
Weeks turned into months and despite all the ups and downs of trying to find balance, I found myself in sync with someone and never wanted it to end. I felt I had found happiness that had been missing in my life. Alas, fate intervened ensuring that it did not last. But as they all good things come to an end.
Despite all the time that has gone by and that thoughts and memories are gradually fading, part of me still hurts. I have learnt in order to move on, I had to find ways to forgive him and myself. It would be easy to blame everything on him, but I have learnt that I played a role in having my heart-broken and need to take resposnibility for it.
Life has now taken us in different directions never to cross paths again, yet there is a part of me that yearns for what we shared. During this time I found writing and running which helped me maintain my sanity.
As time goes on wounds heal, but the scar lingers and this might be one scar that will always stay with me.