It’s less than two months before I move out of my apartment. Where I am going or what I am going to do is still a question. Should I move back to where my parents are? Should I move to another country, maybe just another State? Most often I also think about just staying where I am. The sheer thought of staying here makes me shudder, because along with that comes the fact that I am going to continue to stay in my comfort zone and probably in the same rut I find myself in right now, which makes me want to start packing my stuff right now.
However, every time I look around my apartment I feel overwhelmed thinking about the packing and moving. There is a part of me that feels a tinge of excitement at the thought of going somewhere new, but at the same time afraid as well. I am one who constantly tell my friends that everything happens for a reason, however, when it comes to me, I am on a constant mission searching for the reason.
It is not that dislike where I live, but it seems the cards have lined up in a way forcing me to go have an adventure, which sounds exciting but scary at the same time. My friend said to me that fate seems to be pushing me away from where I am, but I am doing everything I can to fight it. She is probably right about that.
Starting again has a sense of excitement but also an underlying sense of fear. Leaving the place I know, the few friends I have and trying to find my way around a new place is a scary thought. However, I have decided for now I need to stop worrying about where and the what if’s and focus on the packing and putting stuff in storage and take a break from the challenges of my daily life. Maybe that break will give me a clearer perception of what I should do and where I should go.
So I sit starring at the stack of empty boxes sitting around my apartment and I look around everything that has some memory attached to it. I start making piles for donation and as hard as it is, I start putting things that have memories attached to the donation pile. Maybe this is a time for new beginnings and I want it to be new with no sentiment attached to it.
Of course I do understand that I could donate, toss, give away things but the memories in my head and heart are not something I could get rid of.
Almost every single day, I feel like I am sitting on a ticking time bomb which means the packing should continue. But right now I can no longer bring myself to do it, so instead I grab my computer and head to my coffee shop and catch up on writing and maybe pretend for one more day that this is all a bad dream I am going to wake up from.
There is always tomorrow for packing and getting my head out of the sand, but for now, there is a piping cup of coffee and warm weather to enjoy and trying to figure out if everything does happen for a reason.