It is now less than 2 weeks to go before I move out of this apartment and I constantly feel like I am sitting on a ticking time bomb, called my emotions. I never realized how emotionally draining moving could be.
When I initially started to plan for my departure, I could not contain my excitement, just the thought of being free of any commitment for a few months felt like a heavy burden was being lifted off me. However, as time went on, I felt and still feel emotionally and mentally drained.
I sit around staring at empty rooms trying to contain the tears that threaten to flow. I walk from room to room trying to engrave a memory from each room into my head. This is not the first place I lived, but somehow this place seems to have had the biggest impact on my life and not necessarily in a good way.
My friend is supposed to come help me finish tasks which require male muscle. However, staring at the boxes lined against the wall somehow seems to make me more emotional than I would like to be. In order to distract myself I turn the music on loud and try to drown every thought I have with songs, but no matter what, the thoughts in my head refuse to be drowned. I keep singing off-key to the lyrics of Kodakline’s talk “I heard you made your way downtown to the place I’ve been hanging around, I was looking for your face in the crowd, but trying to keep my head down”.
The thoughts are often very mundane. I often ponder how that years could go by and some people stay in your heart and head while others are just a flickering thought. Even though it has been 2 years since things ended with my ex boy friend J, a part of me still misses him and I often wonder if he even thinks about me? I wish I could pick up the phone and call him or that I could go back in time and erase a lot of things but most often I wish I could have the part of my heart that unknown to him that still belongs to him. I just want all of my heart back with no painful memories of him or knowing what it felt like to love him or be loved by him.
As if on my cue my friend shows up to disrupt my thoughts and off-key singing and helps me ease my wandering mind. Amidst our conversation he sees me fight tears that seem to roll down my cheeks without any control. He insists that it is time to take break and maybe go on a bike ride and enjoy the outdoors.
After having ridden for a couple of miles we eventually end up at a coffee shop I constantly haunt. We sit there in silence, me lost in my thoughts till he breaks the silence with saying how much he is gonna miss going bike riding or walking around taking photographs with me. While the bike ride was supposed to make me feel better, just hearing one of my best friends say he will miss me, makes want to cry again. Instead I start to talk about cooking and baking, which always has a way of cheering me up.
We sit there in silence again lost in our own thoughts, till the sun is finally setting and we get back on our bikes and ride in silence.
Back in my empty apartment where the silence is deafening, I tell myself, that I need to be positive about it. Afterall I have been wanting a change and for a while planning to get out of this here hoping that I will no longer be haunted by pain. This maybe the opportunity I have been waiting for the opportunity that will finally set my heart free and let me move on.
“How do we know when its time to move on? Simple, we don’t. Because, it’s not our decision to make. You can’t persuade a heart to abandon a feeling any more than you could convince a fire to cool down. If you ever feel like moving on is a choice, then evidently you already have.”