It is a bittersweet goodbye

I stand outside on the porch on my last night, while the hot humid wind blows in my face. The moon is glistening in a distance, faintly lighting up the tree lined street, while a single lamp lights up the apartment inside, while the music faintly plays in the background from my living room.

It is hard to believe that it is the last night at this apartment and it is so very bittersweet.

I step back inside, staring at the one single chair that swirls around, taking in all the empty rooms I am surrounded by and grab my computer to write this last post from this place I used to call home and the place that I felt safe in.

I started my day off at my usual coffee shop, just people watching and trying to embrace every moment I have here. When the thrift store I was donating all my stuff called me to inform me that they were on their way, I just wanted to ask them not to come. Watching them take away item by item made my heart melt a little bit. I understand that it is just ‘stuff’ and it is not too important, but at the end it is my ‘stuff’. I had to control the tears flowing while I watched the apartment get empty.

Even though it is empty and I should be sleeping in the comfort of a bed at my friend’s house, I still cling to this place and my space and wanted to spend the last night here. Why I am finding it so hard to let go is beyond me? I am excited about my forthcoming trips, but yet something here is making it hard to let go and walk away.

Fortunately a couple of friends came over and we went to dinner to celebrate my last night in my apartment. They know the painful memories that I have from living here, but yet despite the pain and hurt, there were so many great memories as well and trying to separate the two is almost impossible.

Sitting here going down memory lane reminds me that it is time to sign up for the Rock n Roll half marathon in September. This was the first half marathon I ever ran and I ran that with my ex and every year I run it as a reminder of what I had with him and I don’t want this year to be any different.

While writing this post, the song “how do you mend a broken heart” comes on, making it hard to control the tears from flowing.

My best friend calls me and we talk for hours about what was and what will be. My emotions are in a turmoil because I got a message from someone that has been in my thoughts a lot recently, reminding me of what we had. This is the time I want to go for a long run and clear my head and let the tears flow freely mixed in with the sweat.

It is too late for that long run, but I can continue to let the music soothe me right now, while I step back outside and try to catch one final glimpse of the moon on the tree lined street. As for the run, there is tomorrow to go pound the sidewalk for one last time.

This song is for the person who wrote to me.


About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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3 Responses to It is a bittersweet goodbye

  1. I can feel your sadness and saying goodbye to something that has been part of our life for so long is difficult but we have to close one door in order for another door to open. I wish you the best and go make wonderful memories!! (Beautiful songs!)

    Liked by 1 person

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