I need to conquer my fear

I have missed writing posts on a regular basis for a while. It is not because I do not want to, but it is because I seem to just constantly stare at a blank screen and struggle to let the  words flow. It is disheartening to think that I am somehow a better writer when I am heartbroken. Maybe heartbreak is my muse. Since there is no heartbreak in the horizon, I have to find something else to write about.

Today is a beautiful summer day and I decided to head out to the coffee shop, sit outside and force myself to write. I need to write, I need to find that muse again and find a way to let the words flow.

It has been months since I have been back from my last overseas trip and as much as I am ready to take off again, the reality of things are different. I struggled to adjust to being back here and trying to get into the routine of things. Even running turned out to be a chore, but I signed up for a few half-marathons and the Marine Corps Marathon again, which forces me to lace up and go run.

Besides that I have taken on the challenge of baking for 2 farmers markets on a Saturday, which means waking up to a blaring alarm at 4.3o am. I question my sanity for having taken on this challenge, then I realize, this is no longer a hobby, but a full-blown profession that I have taken on.

I stumble around in the dark, the only sound to disturb the silence is my feet hitting the cool wooden floors and the wind chime outside. I step outside to take a breath of fresh air and enjoy the coolness of the summer wind, while the oven heats up.  I am not a morning person, but yet love early mornings when it feels like the rest of the world is still asleep and I am the only one who isn’t. It is easy to forget problems for that brief moment, while watching the sunrise in the distance.

Even though I could stand there enjoying the only quiet moment I might have for the day, I step inside to get into my baking routine.

When I agreed to take this on, it seemed simple.  It was just a matter of doubling everything I make. I wish I could still call it simple!

It has turned out to be more challenging than I bargained for. Items popular at one market is not necessarily popular at the other, which in turn meant making different things for 2 markets and trying to do that on a weekly basis is not easy anymore.

There are plenty of times I have come close to calling it quits, because I just lack the motivation to keep doing it, but I talk myself out of it, because I don’t want to quit when things get tough and I never want to consider myself a quitter.

This is a dream I have been trying to pursue for a while and I have my share of stumbling blocks and constantly feel that I take 2 steps forward and  I eventually find myself taking 3 steps back. I want to stay focussed, but the biggest stumbling block I seem to face is myself and the fear of failure.

About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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9 Responses to I need to conquer my fear

  1. Ann Coleman says:

    Honestly, I think many writers begin writing from their pain. You will figure out how to write about other things! And meanwhile, this post is a good start. You’re writing about what is going on right now, and what interests you and worries you….that’s how the flow of words starts!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is odd that writing about pain seems so much easier and often is what makes us feel better and heals us. I am hoping that I can continue to write about challenges I am facing and that will, in turn inspire me to face it head-on. Thank you Ann.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Those are sure delicious looking baked goods! YUM! If I were near you I would buy them! Good to see you on the blog’s again! Missed you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Anne says:

    Writing about joy, success, achievement is definitely different than writing about heartbreak. I wonder what will happen when your attention is allowed to wander to other things with no heartbreak looming.


    • I wish I had an answer to your question. I started this blog when my heart was shattered and the words flowed easily, now it’s tough, even though I want to write I find myself holding back a lot because I don’t want to over share. Thank you so much for reading.


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